On sleepless nights, you try to remember when you began feeling like this. You go as far back into your memories as you could, trying to determine where it all started out. But there was no starting point, no sudden creeping of this feeling that dragged you down as you grew up. Because even when you were young, you knew how sadness felt like, didn’t you? Apologies on your lips, eyes somewhere far away, despair slipping in the cracks of your skin while your heart beat in an unforgivable staccato rhythm, drenched in misery, quietly sinking into the familiar darkness. You close your eyes and you remember those school days: sitting in the back corner of your class, tracing the holes in the desk and daydreaming about an alternate universe where the loneliness doesn’t follow you to your bed or slip into your dreams; holding your breath under water, lungs burning, your body straining to come up for air while a part of you longed to stay there, wondering how drowning feels like.
And on days you go back in time to sift through your memories, I wish I could take your hand and point it towards the ones you no longer look at: laughter so loud, it drowned every fear in its wake and brought to shore an endless wave of possibilities. Waking up to your mother’s hand curled in your hair, her soft voice filling those parts of you that seemed to be hollowed out by loneliness. Chasing the sun, not realizing you were born with it in your eyes, tucked in the curve of your smile, enveloped in the palm of your hand. Sun in your eyes, poetry on your lips, fire in your heart, madness in your soul and secrets beneath your skin. Darling, don’t you see? You are meant to light up that darkness, not drown into it.
HOLY SMOKES. WHAT HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN DOING PRAISING MY WORK WHEN YOU'RE THE FREAKING BRILLIANT BOSS AT THIS STUFF?! All I want to do right now is sit down and cry and then read this again and then cry some more because jesus christ woman.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any idea how BEAUTIFUL THIS IS. Your prose is so unique and YOU. There's something melodic and dark about it which is so, so brilliant. I'm going to make everyone read this.
Hahaha THANK YOU! This comment means the world to me. You know, I didn't think you were serious when you said you were going to make everyone read this. But it turns out you can be quite literal sometimes.
DeleteLove this 💜 You're s great writer! Thanks for sharing this great blog post with us
ReplyDeleteThank you! Glad you liked it.
DeleteThis is too beautiful! Well written! Thank you for sharing such an honest piece!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words <3
DeleteYou have such a gift with your words! Thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteSo beautifully written. You touched me with your words
ReplyDeletethis is a really beautiful piece of writing. I really admire how well you put the words and thoughts I struggle with vocalising (both through speech and writing) into such lovely prose, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's funny because I was thinking the exact same thing about your writing while checking out your blog a few days back. The visual depth in your write-ups is something I can never pull off. I think I saved nearly all of them for future inspiration.
Delete